First Post in a While

I know it's been a bit since I've posted, so I thought I'd turn something in.

Ever wonder how much of an inheritance you'd get if your parents kicked it? I'll admit, the thought came to me this weekend. What would you do with it? I'm not going to speculate because, honestly I have no idea, much less want to think about the situation that would have to arise in order to fulfill this little train of thought.

I've been real depressed lately. A couple of years ago, I was "on top." I was working for a small ISP, and doing well. I was poised to elevate to second level and would gain the respect of my peers, subordinates, and superiors. I mean, the job really did suck, but I was good at it and the people there loved me.

I was also quite involved in music at my church. I had respect there too, and I LOVED playing drums. It was the coolest feeling in the world to be able to be on stage playing arguably the most critical instument in the band, all in front of hundreds of people. And I was good too. Playing drums with this band even took me to Greece to play live music in the streets of Athens and Thesoloniki. It was the highest point in my life.

Ever see those bumper stickers that say, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I have no problem with Jesus, it's his followers I don't like?" Well, I'm living proof of that. Let me explain. There was a change in focus at the church I was attending, and that change was carried over to the music department. You see, up until then, there were no formal teams of musicians that were dedicated to play together, but the team I was playing with just always ended up playing together all the time anyway, because we always played the service no one else wanted. Well, the leadership at the church wanted to assign teams to pastors, because certain pastors were responsible for certain services and they wanted to carry over that same kind of consistancy to the music that was played. All well and good, right? No.

The young person's service on Monday nights was a group that I never really got in with, even though I'm just in that age bracket. I don't even know why; it's probably because I wasn't cool enough for them. That church has a bad history of being more clique-ey than any other group of people you have ever known, and I just came in at the wrong time. I never fit in. For the longest time, the band leader I was with was in a bit of the same place as I was, but he somehow wormed his way in and came under the leaders good graces. That made him one of their own, and this pastor wanted him to play with him. He didn't want me to play though, because he didn't like me (he was an arrogant prick) and he wanted his little buddy to fill my position. I was forced out.

Well, see that's not entirely true. I wasn't told that I couldn't play at all, and asked to leave. If I were, that would be easier to take. No, I was ignored and pushed to the wayside until I...just wasn't playing anymore. How bad does that suck? After all the time I spent securing a place in that church, this is how I'm treated?

I fucking HATE politics! Being a victim of it in a church hurts more than anything.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking a lot about how much I miss playing drums. I haven't played in over a year. I'm very hesitant to go back to play at another church because I have no reason to think the same shit won't happen again. I don't have any friends left who can play music. Besides that, playing in a church is all I've known, so I don't know how to go out and get together with other musicians. Is this it for my drumming career? After playing for ten years, is this how it comes to an end? Writing about it in a friggin' blog?

There's a definate void in my life where participating in church activities like that used to be. Recently it's been filled with watching TV and collecting DVD's, which is about all I do when I'm not working. When all that went down, I felt (and still feel) like the best parts of me were told "sorry, you're not good enough for us. All of the work you've done for the last decade (!!!)? We just don't give a shit about that. Go home loser."

Well, not too long after, I was talking with the band leader and told me that the drummer that was put in my place wasn't doing too hot. Not to mention that his little wifey, who got to sing because of more political wheelings-and-dealings, sucked nuts something fierce and was bringing the rest of the band down with her. Also, you remember that change of focus I told you about? Well, not too many people liked it, so about a year ago, enough people left the church over it that the senior pastor resigned and the church almost fell apart. Kind of poetic justice if you ask me, but not enough. It could never be enough to erase that kind of damage.